Can I work on my relationship alone?

The short answer is yes…

I get asked this question so often, and it’s usually surrounded by a fair amount of anger and resentment when one member of the couple feels they’re alone in making an effort to work on their relationship. While it is of course helpful if both of you are present and open to couples work, sometimes (and for so many reasons) this just isn’t possible. 

It might be that your partner has had a bad experience in therapy or coaching and feels cynical about how speaking with a stranger might be able to make any difference at all. It might also be that they feel so terrified at what the process may uncover, and any loss it might prompt and so they are avoiding it altogether. Go gently here, there’s always a good reason why people are hesitant to do any sort of internal work, even if it doesn’t seem to make sense.

It is absolutely possible to make meaningful and lasting changes to our relationships by working through what we’re finding difficult at the moment. In fact, if the situation is very heated or explosive, it can be better to start working alone where there is space to look at old patterns and experiences in a way that feels safer and less exposing.

Working alone is ‘cooling work’ where if we are particularly shame prone, or tend to be feel overwhelmed by our partners experience or expression of their experience, this can feel much less overwhelming initially.

When we are feeling stuck in our relationship, it can be good to scale back what we’re doing and remembering that the only thing we have control over is the way we respond to experiences - including our feelings, our partner’s feelings and their behaviour. Making space for this in a coaching or therapeutic relationship can give space to explore what might be going on between you.

If you’d like to explore whether couples work or individual work is right for you, we can hop on a call and talk about your particular situation to see what might work best for you at the moment.